12/22/09

So a lot has gone down lately. I have come to an understanding on why I stopped wanting to talk to people. when to talk to a person that cares "how are you" is normally asked. When you reply you can choose to lie and say something on the lines of good or okay and act like your happy and keep yourself all bottled up, or you could tell the truth and be like i hate life and I am never happy, and blah blah blah. well neither of these options are to my liking at this time. I am so used to just acting like I am happy when really I am not...i feel fake not myself...like a hypocrite. I can not continue to do that, but when everyone knows you as the really happy talkative girl, its pretty hard to avoid being "fake". Then when you are actually like oh life sucks and so on people ask questions and get all up in your business. Then people start to treat you differently, its like you lose your power. I don't mind getting treated differently, but I hate when people are all up in my business. I just wanna be left alone. I want to be lonely and sad all by myself. I don't need anyone trying to help or trying to fix things, no I am done with that. There was I time when I wanted to tell people how I felt just to get it out...then I didn't know what the reactions was. I don't like the reaction...I just wanna be left alone. So if I don't text you or talk to you its cause I don't want to have to tell you how or feel or lie to you...the only way I can avoid this is by not talking to people. now I will admit it I do talk a ton so at times I do need to talk and will for a bit, but I don't want a serious conversation, I can not handle that. so more of what has been going on...I lost a friendship...oh so very sad. I really did care about you, I thought I could till you anything and everything and you wouldn't judge, well you just had to go and say the words you did...and you don't even understand how I feel. tears. You meant more to me then you could ever think, and its like you cut me apart. So now that I lost a friend, and don't enjoying talking to anyone anymore, maybe I could add some happy...the only happy I can think of is that I finally got my ledge taken out. Now back to life...i said back to life because I am at the point where life is not happy anymore, its not the reality, its the dream, the dream I am trying to reach...the dream I want to give up on, but I know I can't. So as much as I hate school due to learning, work, and thinking; I much rather be there then at home...school is a better place to be. I want the happy day to come. Note to the reader if you text me about reading this I will not be happy with you, this is me telling you how I don't like talking to people about that...so if you think that you are an exception your wrong, no one is.
The end